About kryptonite2070 : say my name
kryptonite2070's FML badges
Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!
Who’s the fairest of them all?
This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.
Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
kryptonite2070's favorite FMLs
Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 10:20am / United States (Nevada) / Animals
by Anonymous / 10/29/2013 at 1:01pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love
by Asshole hornet / 10/28/2013 at 4:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/23/2013 at 12:04pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals
Today, I found out that my brother is adamant that if he records silence, then listens to said silence at full volume, it'll improve the headphones' noise-blocking abilities. I live with a complete idiot. FML
by Eggs6131 / 10/15/2013 at 9:09am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous
Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML
by CancerFdMyLife / 09/26/2013 at 9:50am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
by Anonymous / 09/15/2013 at 3:53pm / Romania (Bucuresti) / Intimacy
by sammieshortcake / 09/14/2013 at 11:30am / United States / Love
by spiritbeast33 / 09/11/2013 at 2:17am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Renagirl / 09/09/2013 at 8:46am / United States (Connecticut) / Love
Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML
by heartbroken / 09/09/2013 at 3:19am / United States (California) / Love
by vrossie_ / 09/08/2013 at 1:56am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML
by Anonymous / 09/03/2013 at 12:13am / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids
by Anonymous / 09/02/2013 at 4:37pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML
by criminal tit offender / 08/31/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and… Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my… Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want…