About klovemachine : I enjoy FML. It is good for a few laughs. Any comments I make are meant to be humorous, but I will strike out from time to time
My profile picture features my cat, Oreo. I love my kitty
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Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15288) - you deserved it (45864)
On 05/04/2009 at 7:27pm - misc - by Brian (man) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19873) - you deserved it (197786)
On 05/02/2009 at 2:21am - health - by breathalizard (man) - United States (North Dakota)
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
I agree, your life sucks (88850) - you deserved it (14335)
On 04/29/2009 at 10:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12782) - you deserved it (51338)
On 04/28/2009 at 4:52pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Swindon)
Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML
I agree, your life sucks (55276) - you deserved it (6110)
On 04/26/2009 at 12:11am - misc - by Mikey (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
I agree, your life sucks (18471) - you deserved it (45648)
On 04/25/2009 at 12:13am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47611) - you deserved it (13774)
On 04/21/2009 at 8:52am - misc - by Kaboom (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7931) - you deserved it (66440)
On 04/16/2009 at 2:52pm - work - by TheBRADLeyB (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16194) - you deserved it (47021)
On 04/15/2009 at 3:47pm - health - by caramelkarma (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I asked my girl friend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said was that good. She was serious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (59370) - you deserved it (15523)
On 04/11/2009 at 12:12am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Utah)
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
I agree, your life sucks (46782) - you deserved it (127899)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML
I agree, your life sucks (63502) - you deserved it (16088)
On 04/04/2009 at 12:34am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (108751) - you deserved it (10310)
On 03/31/2009 at 1:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML
I agree, your life sucks (75965) - you deserved it (27257)
On 03/29/2009 at 11:49pm - intimacy - by Cynical (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML
I agree, your life sucks (87) - you deserved it (16387)
On 03/29/2009 at 10:03am - love - by engaged (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Monday 20 May 2013
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