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kittytub's favorite FMLs
by stpdaziandude / 05/08/2009 at 4:51pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML
by Familyskank / 05/06/2009 at 12:57pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 7:22pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML
by Radgirl / 04/27/2009 at 10:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML
by Anonymous / 04/20/2009 at 2:27am / United States (Rhode Island) / Transportation
Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML
by lalalohan / 04/17/2009 at 11:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML
by Anonymous / 04/15/2009 at 8:13pm / United States (Utah) / Love
Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML
by blehh / 04/14/2009 at 4:40pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I called my favorite radio station over and over, trying to be the 40th caller to win sold-out concert tickets, each time holding my thumb over the button to quickly hang up and re-dial if busy. I finally got through and they congratulated me being the winning caller! By habit, I hung up. FML
by LonelyFrog / 04/13/2009 at 11:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML
by vela9002 / 04/06/2009 at 3:40am / United States (California) / Love
Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML
by tinytitty / 03/22/2009 at 11:18pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML
by Anonymous / 03/20/2009 at 11:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML
by imfullthanks / 03/14/2009 at 7:06pm / Norway (Oslo) / Health
by Noname / 03/12/2009 at 6:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals
by Noname / 03/07/2009 at 11:28pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left,… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had…
- Today, I visited my parents with my four year old. My son started to excitedly tell his grandmother… Today, a customer bitched at me in front of her children for 10 minutes because I wouldn't open the… Today, I'm having dinner with my bf. We planned it weeks ago, and she made a big deal about being…