kissmyass23

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kissmyass23

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  • Number of visits : 1697
  • Number of comments : 14
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 12 posted

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kissmyass23's favorite FMLs

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

by BrianTheLion89 / 06/06/2012 at 5:37pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2012 at 5:34pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

by lifeonfire12 / 04/15/2012 at 9:13pm / Canada / Intimacy

Today, my ex-husband officially became my step dad. FML

by ladylarni / 04/07/2012 at 4:20am / Australia / Love

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

by still learning / 02/26/2012 at 12:42pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

by lotrgeek / 02/13/2012 at 8:37am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2012 at 8:11pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

by amythest / 02/12/2012 at 7:18pm / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Kids

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

by fuck teh poleese / 02/12/2012 at 4:50pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

by dasnich / 02/04/2012 at 10:46pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

by xX_nsn_Xx / 02/03/2012 at 9:47am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

by sorrygrandma / 01/31/2012 at 10:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

by givingup / 01/30/2012 at 12:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

by tannarox / 01/28/2012 at 10:46am / United States (California) / Animals