kissmyass23

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kissmyass23

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  • Number of visits : 1674
  • Number of comments : 14
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 12 posted

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kissmyass23's favorite FMLs

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

by fsfs / 08/17/2013 at 12:27pm / Germany (Schleswig-Holstein) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

by whyeventry? / 08/02/2013 at 12:39am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML

by Kat_Styles / 07/19/2013 at 4:51am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

by anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 12:48am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2013 at 12:37pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2013 at 4:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

by AussieG75 / 05/07/2013 at 10:18am / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

by SkeetinKeaton / 05/06/2013 at 2:29am / United States / Kids

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

by emasculated 10000% / 05/04/2013 at 1:05pm / Sweden (Kronobergs Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

by ShowerGirl / 04/30/2013 at 3:54am / United States / Money

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

by Anon / 04/22/2013 at 3:19am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

by Magicali / 04/21/2013 at 10:56pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health

Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML

by haku4u / 04/01/2013 at 7:18pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

by SolaceInRage / 03/20/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals