About kimcompton83 : I am an asshole!
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kimcompton83's favorite FMLs
Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML
by asdfBUTT / 03/05/2012 at 8:36pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML
by Kayla / 03/05/2012 at 7:43pm / United States / Health
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML
by mark / 03/05/2012 at 5:55pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML
by Alfie4 / 03/05/2012 at 5:30pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy
by Nope / 03/05/2012 at 4:42am / China / Health
by cero_kewl / 03/05/2012 at 12:12am / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 03/04/2012 at 7:59pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
by stuff2710 / 03/04/2012 at 7:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Money
Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML
by Hannah / 03/04/2012 at 3:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
by raven_teen_titan / 03/04/2012 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML
by Autocorrected / 03/04/2012 at 12:02am / Philippines (Bulacan) / Love
Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML
by wtf dad / 03/02/2012 at 9:24pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML
by argh / 03/02/2012 at 7:14pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
by Ashleigh / 03/02/2012 at 5:53pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML
by wtf did I do / 03/02/2012 at 4:15pm / United States / Miscellaneous