keepcalmandbacon

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Offline (the 09/07/2014 at 11:01pm)

keepcalmandbacon

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 2777
  • Number of comments : 22
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.

keepcalmandbacon's page activity

Visits<b>Mornai</b> - the 12/07/2013 at 4:53pm<b>K_kanaka</b> - the 12/06/2013 at 12:33am<b>anonymity12345</b> - the 12/01/2013 at 1:54pm<b>Pwn17</b> - the 10/31/2013 at 4:02pm<b>JtPv</b> - the 08/28/2013 at 9:25pm<b>KaiserCreame</b> - the 08/25/2013 at 7:09am<b>nikenico14</b> - the 08/24/2013 at 6:37pm<b>baxeh</b> - the 08/18/2013 at 7:46am<b>TourettesGuyFTW</b> - the 08/04/2013 at 6:34am<b>jojimugo</b> - the 08/03/2013 at 3:09am<b>a_lyrical_ass</b> - the 07/30/2013 at 3:58am<b>olpally</b> - the 07/28/2013 at 12:07pm<b>graffitied_love</b> - the 07/21/2013 at 12:29am<b>NakedandScared</b> - the 07/20/2013 at 4:43pm<b>MidnaLink</b> - the 07/18/2013 at 9:01am<b>Wizardo</b> - the 07/16/2013 at 11:10am<b>losername77</b> - the 07/15/2013 at 11:06pm<b>gary3768</b> - the 06/01/2013 at 2:29am

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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs

Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML

by coldstar / 07/18/2013 at 5:06am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

by fuck family / 07/17/2013 at 4:13pm / Poland (Dolnoslaskie) / Love

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 2:15am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

by Wtf / 07/10/2013 at 1:24am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 12:38am / United States / Animals

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

by Your ass... Grab it... / 07/04/2013 at 6:30pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

by Never Going Back To The Doctor / 07/04/2013 at 3:03am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

by idk ask freud / 07/04/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2013 at 1:35pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

by lonely girl / 07/02/2013 at 2:47am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

by whorecrux / 07/01/2013 at 11:37pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 1:50am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

by patriarchal apparently / 06/29/2013 at 3:58pm / Saint Lucia / Intimacy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

by woof woof?? / 06/15/2013 at 4:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

by bestiality, not even once / 06/14/2013 at 6:29pm / Ireland (Waterford) / Intimacy