About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.
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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs
by coldstar / 07/18/2013 at 5:06am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals
Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML
by fuck family / 07/17/2013 at 4:13pm / Poland (Dolnoslaskie) / Love
by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 2:15am / United States (Kentucky) / Love
by Wtf / 07/10/2013 at 1:24am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 12:38am / United States / Animals
by Your ass... Grab it... / 07/04/2013 at 6:30pm / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML
by Never Going Back To The Doctor / 07/04/2013 at 3:03am / United States / Intimacy
by idk ask freud / 07/04/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 07/03/2013 at 1:35pm / United States (Florida) / Love
by lonely girl / 07/02/2013 at 2:47am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML
by whorecrux / 07/01/2013 at 11:37pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML
by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 1:50am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML
by patriarchal apparently / 06/29/2013 at 3:58pm / Saint Lucia / Intimacy
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML
by woof woof?? / 06/15/2013 at 4:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy
by bestiality, not even once / 06/14/2013 at 6:29pm / Ireland (Waterford) / Intimacy
- Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, I sprayed pepper spray on a guy who appeared to be following me. He was really cute, and was… Today, I’m on a mission in Africa. My company driver is so old, deaf and half blind that I have to…