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Offline (the 09/07/2014 at 11:01pm) | Search for a member



  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 1901
  • Number of comments : 22
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.

keepcalmandbacon's page activity

Visits<b>Mornai</b> - the 12/07/2013 at 4:53pm<b>K_kanaka</b> - the 12/06/2013 at 12:33am<b>anonymity12345</b> - the 12/01/2013 at 1:54pm<b>Pwn17</b> - the 10/31/2013 at 4:02pm<b>JtPv</b> - the 08/28/2013 at 9:25pm<b>KaiserCreame</b> - the 08/25/2013 at 7:09am<b>nikenico14</b> - the 08/24/2013 at 6:37pm<b>baxeh</b> - the 08/18/2013 at 7:46am<b>TourettesGuyFTW</b> - the 08/04/2013 at 6:34am<b>jojimugo</b> - the 08/03/2013 at 3:09am<b>a_lyrical_ass</b> - the 07/30/2013 at 3:58am<b>olpally</b> - the 07/28/2013 at 12:07pm<b>graffitied_love</b> - the 07/21/2013 at 12:29am<b>NakedandScared</b> - the 07/20/2013 at 4:43pm<b>MidnaLink</b> - the 07/18/2013 at 9:01am<b>Wizardo</b> - the 07/16/2013 at 11:10am<b>losername77</b> - the 07/15/2013 at 11:06pm<b>gary3768</b> - the 06/01/2013 at 2:29am

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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML


I agree, your life sucks (53846) - you deserved it (4688)

On 08/06/2013 at 5:55pm - love - by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML


I agree, your life sucks (59544) - you deserved it (8850)

On 08/03/2013 at 4:01pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Portugal

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML


I agree, your life sucks (55847) - you deserved it (12214)

On 08/02/2013 at 12:39am - intimacy - by whyeventry? (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML


I agree, your life sucks (57443) - you deserved it (9020)

On 07/31/2013 at 12:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Belgium (West-Vlaanderen)

Today, while I was eating cereal, my mother thought it would be appropriate to grab the bowl and start spoon-feeding me while making airplane noises, again. I'm 19. FML

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML


I agree, your life sucks (60696) - you deserved it (9348)

On 07/29/2013 at 11:43pm - intimacy - by JustSomeGuy - United States (Texas)

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML


I agree, your life sucks (54587) - you deserved it (12458)

On 07/29/2013 at 5:18pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I attempted some bondage for the first time. Within seconds of the handcuffs being put on, I went into a serious panic attack. I was playing the dominant; my girlfriend was the one in cuffs. FML


Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML


I agree, your life sucks (46262) - you deserved it (25891)

On 07/27/2013 at 4:03am - love - by good_aim (man) - United States (California)

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML


I agree, your life sucks (24029) - you deserved it (49750)

On 07/24/2013 at 12:05pm - love - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML


I agree, your life sucks (42601) - you deserved it (4415)

On 07/22/2013 at 7:49am - misc - by xXxXxTOBIxX (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML


I agree, your life sucks (48108) - you deserved it (7953)

On 07/20/2013 at 4:14am - misc - by solitaire - United States (Washington)

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML


I agree, your life sucks (46617) - you deserved it (15165)

On 07/19/2013 at 4:36pm - health - by "people these days" (man) - United States (Virginia)

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