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kcpestwick's FML badges
Who’s the fairest of them all?
This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.
It’s in the can
Hey, you uploaded your photo, and you’re cute as a kitten!
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
kcpestwick's favorite FMLs
Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML
by nerderer / 06/04/2015 at 10:17pm / United States (Minnesota) / Animals
Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML
by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 9:58am / United States / Transportation
Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML
by sistertaxi / 05/14/2015 at 10:23am / Australia / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 03/05/2015 at 10:19pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML
by Anonymous / 11/20/2014 at 11:20am / Canada (Quebec) / Work
by Australian Lifeguard / 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Work
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2014 at 3:29pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML
by cuteloser / 10/04/2014 at 9:57am / Australia / Love
Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML
by up to no-good... / 08/22/2014 at 12:09am / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous
Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML
by Anonymous / 06/13/2014 at 6:06pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
by Congrats to me / 05/24/2014 at 7:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML
by Lindsey / 05/24/2014 at 11:22am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
by FLIPmcCOOL / 05/15/2014 at 6:57pm / Ireland (Cork) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 02/17/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Money
- 1Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left,… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had…
- Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to… Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he… Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom…