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Today , I found out wy cat asn't been coming ome for regular meals . Apparently , elderly next door neigbour as forgotten tat er cat is dead and puts food out for it every morning . My cat is exploiting er by impersonating er dead cat to get better food . My cat is an assole .
Today I Had To Force Myself To Take A Dump At School, Even Though I Have Severe Restroom Anxiety And Shyness. I Had Finally Relaxed Enough To Go When The Tornado Drills Went Off Mid-dump, And 46 Students And Teachers Packed Into The Bathroom With Me. FML
2day I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowerd itself right in front of my face . It startld me, causing me to gasp, which resultd in me inhaling the spider . I then spent 3 minutes choking on it . FML
Yesterday, at job, an old looool lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explaind to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continud to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackas in an open-top sport car overtook us an flippd me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife looool rolld down her window, pulld out her tampon, an launchd it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrifid: me or him. FML
Today... I was joking around with mah eight-year-old son. I told him to pull mah finger. I farted... then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger... he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
TODAY A LITTLE GIRL WALKED UP TO ME AT TARGET AND ASKED ME WHAT NAME WAS. I SMILED AND TOLD HER NAME WAS KRISTEN. SHE LOOKED AT THE SKIRT I WAS WEARING AND SAID "KRISTEN CAN YOU WEAR PANTS TOMORROW?" FML
Friday 27 March 2015