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Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19724) - you deserved it (2174)
On 03/02/2013 at 9:35pm - misc - by dumbass for a flatmate - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25276) - you deserved it (1886)
On 02/28/2013 at 6:57am - misc - by she sure has an arm. - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34276) - you deserved it (5966)
On 02/25/2013 at 12:57pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, my wife mentioned that she wanted to give me a three-way. I was ecstatic, until she opened her right hand, only to reveal a 3-way lightbulb. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9838) - you deserved it (25054)
On 02/18/2013 at 12:23pm - intimacy - by phatdaddy62 (man) - United States
Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. He really likes Legend of Zelda, so I put on a Link hat, took my clothes off, and waited for him at his place. He came home with a hooker. FML
I agree, your life sucks (43438) - you deserved it (2640)
On 02/11/2013 at 12:08pm - love - by excusemeprincess (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish bi-product. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24899) - you deserved it (2684)
On 02/11/2013 at 10:48am - animals - by firestar772 - United States (California)
Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33533) - you deserved it (2883)
On 01/16/2013 at 1:26pm - health - by SF49 - United States
Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34293) - you deserved it (5410)
On 01/15/2013 at 1:57pm - love - by Bella (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25557) - you deserved it (6801)
On 01/10/2013 at 7:20am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Slovakia
Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML
I agree, your life sucks (42575) - you deserved it (3345)
On 01/09/2013 at 11:07am - misc - by kk - United States
Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16578) - you deserved it (1695)
Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (12851) - you deserved it (34466)
On 01/07/2013 at 7:21pm - love - by anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24824) - you deserved it (4788)
On 01/07/2013 at 8:01am - intimacy - by wetsheets (woman) - United Kingdom (Cardiff)
Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7038) - you deserved it (30014)
On 01/02/2013 at 10:01am - misc - by AmberHavoc - United Kingdom
Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33556) - you deserved it (9856)
On 01/01/2013 at 5:30am - health - by Anonymous - United States (Kansas)
Monday 20 May 2013
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