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Offline (the 09/16/2014 at 5:42am) | Search for a member



  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 322
  • Number of comments : 55
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 11 posted

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juanschwartz's page activity

Visits<b>ElizaWy</b> - the 12/21/2014 at 12:40am<b>Cupcake040</b> - the 07/29/2014 at 7:04pm<b>NLM22</b> - the 07/28/2014 at 12:27am<b>AnasMerchant</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 10:59pm<b>neeni88</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 10:11am<b>Yogibob</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 8:15am<b>Miss_Brii</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 4:10am<b>mayusdayus</b> - the 07/25/2014 at 4:03am<b>miiapaige</b> - the 07/23/2014 at 4:17pm<b>Zero_TAlent_</b> - the 07/21/2014 at 12:38am<b>maximus_prime</b> - the 07/20/2014 at 9:49pm<b>leeebeeeee18</b> - the 07/18/2014 at 1:27pm<b>triplebeerox</b> - the 07/18/2014 at 11:06am<b>Lebeaugars95</b> - the 07/17/2014 at 12:35pm<b>cakefete2</b> - the 07/17/2014 at 12:25pm<b>brwneyes</b> - the 07/12/2014 at 5:37pm<b>snowhite4</b> - the 07/12/2014 at 10:33am<b>omfgorlaith</b> - the 06/08/2014 at 8:17am

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An insomniac or a creature of the dark

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juanschwartz's favorite FMLs

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML


I agree, your life sucks (43748) - you deserved it (3660)

On 07/29/2014 at 4:27am - misc - by Tiny (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, I had a 5 hour exam. The exam guard had clearly eaten something funky, because she kept burping loudly. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, she started farting. FML

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML


I agree, your life sucks (40821) - you deserved it (5189)

On 07/27/2014 at 2:44pm - animals - by Anonymous - Germany (Hessen)

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML


I agree, your life sucks (56275) - you deserved it (6750)

On 07/27/2014 at 1:12pm - love - by fingwhore (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML


I agree, your life sucks (51369) - you deserved it (6586)

On 07/17/2014 at 7:32pm - animals - by kittynapper - United States (Colorado)

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML


I agree, your life sucks (43610) - you deserved it (6638)

On 07/11/2014 at 4:34pm - health - by soundslikeadumbcommentersituation (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML


I agree, your life sucks (41089) - you deserved it (4619)

On 03/20/2014 at 12:48pm - work - by systematicpanic (woman) - United Kingdom (Leicester)

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML


I agree, your life sucks (34433) - you deserved it (5354)

On 09/30/2012 at 7:02pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML


I agree, your life sucks (25933) - you deserved it (22775)

On 11/01/2011 at 1:52pm - misc - by bakedplum (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML


I agree, your life sucks (8745) - you deserved it (43989)

On 01/30/2009 at 7:49pm - animals - by jf29 - United States (Ohio)

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