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jordandior

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jordandior

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jordandior's favorite FMLs

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

#17589386
683 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32535) - you deserved it (52424)

On 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm - kids - by f*ckingdisgusted - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

#17304355
254 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10940) - you deserved it (74540)

On 07/30/2011 at 12:38am - animals - by loser4life - United States (Colorado)

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

#17088739
439 comments

I agree, your life sucks (78006) - you deserved it (8137)

On 07/13/2011 at 1:02am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

#17015904
356 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65422) - you deserved it (5209)

On 07/07/2011 at 3:49pm - intimacy - by lizownsvirgy - United States (California)

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

#16569461
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47327) - you deserved it (4838)

On 06/08/2011 at 10:00pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking along when I saw this girl kissing her boyfriend. I thought to myself "I wish I had a boyfriend like that". I'm a guy, and straight. At least I thought I was. FML

#15678976
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36735) - you deserved it (13737)

On 04/07/2011 at 11:15am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

#12305756
291 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41526) - you deserved it (10800)

On 08/04/2010 at 6:25am - intimacy - by Embarressed... (woman) - United Kingdom (Derbyshire)

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

#6285115
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43658) - you deserved it (5629)

On 11/13/2009 at 7:17am - misc - by stubblebutt (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

#5828114
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (88542) - you deserved it (14747)

On 10/14/2009 at 1:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I had a big exam. 20 minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML

#5563519
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9854) - you deserved it (48184)

On 09/30/2009 at 9:36am - misc - by failfailfail - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

#5148313
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (190762) - you deserved it (20281)

On 09/09/2009 at 1:21pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

#2822887
300 comments

I agree, your life sucks (92918) - you deserved it (10613)

On 06/12/2009 at 2:39am - love - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I saw my super creepy live-in uncle standing in the kitchen holding a pair of my underwear and smiling at it, humming to himself. He didn't see me. I stood there for at least 30 seconds in shock, and when I backed away he was still looking at them. FML

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

#2200863
542 comments

I agree, your life sucks (220879) - you deserved it (23902)

On 05/23/2009 at 12:44am - intimacy - by honeymoondisaster (woman) - United States (California)



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