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jonnied23's FML badges
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
You wanted you know what the top of the flops of all time was, and now you know.
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
jonnied23's favorite FMLs
Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML
by antiqued / 12/20/2012 at 12:55am / United States (California) / Health
Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML
by djl / 12/20/2012 at 12:30am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy
Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML
by SugarMyBalls / 12/19/2012 at 6:31pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
by mahanaaa_23 / 12/19/2012 at 3:47pm / United States (Hawaii) / Love
Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML
by Anonymous / 12/19/2012 at 12:19pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
Today, the girl I dumped three years ago because she wouldn't take my band seriously is now a successful and rich environmental scientist. Meanwhile, I'm still unemployed, living with my parents, and can barely remember how to play a guitar. FML
by rightinthekarma / 12/19/2012 at 10:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
by ehrmagahd / 12/19/2012 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML
by ayye_its_nikki / 12/19/2012 at 12:07am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML
by junkie / 12/18/2012 at 1:28pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous
Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He seemed excited, and said we should make the baby fat so he can bounce her on his lap and watch her double chin jiggle. Just to prove he's serious, he's been searching for high-calorie foods for babies. FML
by fatbabysyndrome / 12/18/2012 at 12:33pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML
by daughterinlaw / 12/18/2012 at 12:09pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML
Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML
by Dog_Lover / 12/18/2012 at 10:30am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/18/2012 at 2:48am / United States / Miscellaneous
- Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out,… Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my… Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it…