About johnnynumnuts : Louisville, Kentucky.
About johnnynumnuts : Louisville, Kentucky.
johnnynumnuts's FML badges
I like your style
You've liked someone. How cute!
A new Thumb
You’ve used your thumb on 1000 comments.
What'cha looking at?
You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
johnnynumnuts's favorite FMLs
Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML
by Anonymous / 07/22/2010 at 8:39pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Intimacy
Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML
by fartwoman / 06/22/2010 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML
by anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 1:10am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by lalararara / 03/04/2010 at 10:48am / United States / Intimacy
Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML
by Inkabadger / 11/20/2009 at 1:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML
by stubblebutt / 11/13/2009 at 7:17am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML
by DangerZone / 11/11/2009 at 10:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML
by rollercoaster / 10/25/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (Nevada) / Love
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming "I meant it!" FML
by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 7:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
by bubbalicious / 08/13/2009 at 4:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML
by blank13 / 08/08/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML
by bsaucedo / 07/28/2009 at 1:00am / United States (California) / Kids
by Kimberly / 07/25/2009 at 5:55am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML
by sadwife / 05/31/2009 at 2:07pm / United States (Illinois) / Love
Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2009 at 10:19am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…
- Today, I got very drunk at a party and didn't know how to get home. I spent an hour walking along… Today, I was helping my friend move into a new apartment. As we were carrying his table up a flight… Today, I was arriving at my grandmas and when I met her she asked "Where's your girlfriend?" I told…