jmar411

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jmar411

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
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  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 3023
  • Number of comments : 45
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 4 posted

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jmar411's page activity

Visits<b>LissaMccracken</b> - the 06/18/2013 at 11:18am<b>simmyiphone</b> - the 05/27/2013 at 5:33pm<b>dead_insects</b> - the 04/22/2013 at 8:23pm<b>LovesSushi</b> - the 04/18/2013 at 3:54am<b>cosicosei</b> - the 04/05/2013 at 9:33pm<b>lonewolf621</b> - the 04/02/2013 at 3:44pm<b>cliostyle</b> - the 04/02/2013 at 1:52pm<b>dmoran20</b> - the 02/11/2013 at 3:25am<b>Dracospinks</b> - the 02/10/2013 at 5:24pm<b>sarkaar</b> - the 02/10/2013 at 12:42am<b>Chyl</b> - the 02/09/2013 at 3:58pm

jmar411's FML badges

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Socialite

You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…

YDI master

That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.

See all of jmar411's badges

jmar411's favorite FMLs

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2009 at 10:22pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2009 at 11:26am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

by whymommywhy / 04/20/2009 at 11:11pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

by soontobedivorced / 04/19/2009 at 12:05am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

by snathans / 04/13/2009 at 2:42pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

by waitress / 04/11/2009 at 10:07pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

by tool / 04/09/2009 at 2:03am / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

by 4gottenmemories / 04/07/2009 at 10:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

by Noname / 03/17/2009 at 6:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

by Moanie / 03/15/2009 at 6:45pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

by Noname / 03/13/2009 at 9:06pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

by toothache / 03/09/2009 at 9:03pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

by dizzlewizzle / 03/05/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

by mr.palendrome / 03/05/2009 at 9:27pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

by Señor Guapo / 03/04/2009 at 12:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous