About jmann8811 : $.B.Q
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jmann8811's favorite FMLs
Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML
by Anonymous / 06/23/2014 at 3:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
by god / 04/29/2014 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (West Lothian) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML
by BondingTime / 03/17/2014 at 5:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids
Today, I started my first job as a power line technician. My boss's first words to me were, "I have a good feeling about you, kid!" That would've been great if he hadn't said, "Although, the last time I had a good feeling, the guy died." right afterwards. FML
by Anon / 03/12/2014 at 8:11pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
by Author / 02/24/2014 at 5:22pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML
by Anonymous / 02/08/2014 at 1:49pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML
by mariana / 02/07/2014 at 7:18pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by LadyDeadpool88 / 02/04/2014 at 9:50am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
by SirDirtyRedD / 01/24/2014 at 8:03pm / Iceland (Gullbringusysla) / Kids
by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 12:32am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, I was playing with my little nephew and began to tickle him playfully, even though I know he doesn't like to be tickled. When I was done, he looked me straight in the eye, punched me in the groin, and told me, "No one tickles me". He's six. FML
by Ginger_Gawd / 01/20/2014 at 10:34pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML
by rholt / 01/14/2014 at 1:48am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML
by anon / 01/12/2014 at 8:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
- Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce… Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while… Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm…