jkilmer

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jkilmer

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Friday 22 September 1995 (20 years old)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 4845
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About jkilmer : I'm a crazy bitch, point blank period. I like to have fun but most of the time I can't stand people. I love reading and all types of music. If you're still reading this, you should probably stop since I have nothing left to say.

jkilmer's FML badges

YDI master

That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.

Hard at Work

Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

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jkilmer's favorite FMLs

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

by merpaderp14 / 09/09/2013 at 2:15am / Canada / Intimacy

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2013 at 7:20pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2013 at 2:52am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

by /(•'_'•)\ / 09/07/2013 at 12:59pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

by brycepetrillo / 09/07/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2013 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

by jesus christ, dad / 09/06/2013 at 12:48pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

by whatjusthappened / 09/05/2013 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

by single again / 09/05/2013 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

by dear god help me. / 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm / United States (Hawaii) / Work

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

by swana99 / 09/04/2013 at 4:39pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

by resurrected / 09/04/2013 at 11:59am / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Work

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

by Palindromesque / 09/04/2013 at 5:07am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

by ugh / 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health