About jessal : I'm easy going and fun. If you want to know more then message me.
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jessal's favorite FMLs
Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML
by Anonymous / 07/01/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
by Anonymous / 06/30/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, I realized that my company's calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I made love to my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife's name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
by Fred / 06/26/2009 at 9:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
Today, I was in the grocery store getting bananas and there was this real hot guy next to me. He said hey beautiful so I smiled. He then asked if I was free on friday night. I smiled and said "yes why do you ask?" He looked up from the bananas and pointed to the bluetooth in his ear. FML
by Anonymous / 06/21/2009 at 3:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML
by Anonymous / 06/13/2009 at 3:47pm / United States (Illinois) / Work
Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML
by surfernerd6987 / 06/11/2009 at 1:21am / United States (Tennessee) / Work
Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2009 at 10:26am / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML
by paranoid / 06/06/2009 at 12:43am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML
by Jeanine / 05/28/2009 at 9:32pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML
by Jerrrr / 05/26/2009 at 8:22pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
by AyoitsSteveo / 05/24/2009 at 5:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by julieb / 05/23/2009 at 1:04am / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML
by morningeyes / 05/19/2009 at 10:19am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML
by karmasabitch / 05/17/2009 at 4:16pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML
by BigBadTron / 05/15/2009 at 1:10pm / United States (Utah) / Kids