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jellitonoctopus's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 08/25/2011 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Health
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
by Andrew / 08/23/2011 at 10:46am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML
by collball22 / 08/22/2011 at 12:58am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
by datingmrpicky / 08/21/2011 at 11:44pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML
by shitless88 / 08/19/2011 at 8:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my Catholic girlfriend home to meet my family for the first time. My brother thought it would be civil to spend over an hour insulting her religion and explaining in detail the many ways in which "the Force" is superior. FML
by Jace / 08/19/2011 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Love
by Paul / 08/07/2011 at 9:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML
by moonstone15 / 08/05/2011 at 8:24pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML
by Username / 07/08/2011 at 9:24am / United States / Miscellaneous
by whymyliferose / 06/03/2011 at 12:47am / United States (Oregon) / Work
by a man / 04/10/2011 at 3:32pm / United States (Tennessee) / Animals
by blehhx / 04/09/2011 at 1:32am / United States / Animals
by Anonymous / 02/04/2011 at 12:42am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML
by Andrew / 09/24/2010 at 6:22am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
by aawkward... / 12/09/2009 at 2:27pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy
- 1Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both… 2Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for… 3Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got…