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jazzminemoody's favorite FMLs
Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML
by thissinglelife / 09/06/2013 at 2:42am / United States (California) / Love
by whatjusthappened / 09/05/2013 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by single again / 09/05/2013 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML
by OweLotsaMoney / 09/05/2013 at 11:49am / United States / Money
by GotMyBitchBack / 09/05/2013 at 7:02am / United States (Ohio) / Animals
Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML
by down trodden / 09/05/2013 at 3:45am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML
by IGOTIT / 09/05/2013 at 3:24am / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML
by Anonymous / 09/05/2013 at 2:47am / United Kingdom (Warrington) / Miscellaneous
by Python22 / 09/04/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/04/2013 at 1:28pm / United States (South Dakota) / Health
Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML
by interphaseprophasemetaphase / 09/04/2013 at 7:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
by Palindromesque / 09/04/2013 at 5:07am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, I started my new internship at a vet clinic. By the end of the day I had: been peed on, scratched, forced to stuff a dead dog into a plastic bag, thrown up and almost passed out. I need to rethink my future career. FML
by VetStudent / 09/04/2013 at 3:30am / United States (Colorado) / Animals
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
by ugh / 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
by Misaki18 / 09/03/2013 at 1:13pm / United States / Love
- Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking… Today, I was hitting on a cute girl on the bus. It was going well, and she gave me her name to add… Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only…