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Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. real FML
Today, mah mother an I were driving through Del Taco. Instead of ordering "Macho Diet looool Coke", she said "Macho Diet Cock". After correcting herself an pulling up to the window, the employeeho goes to mah high school gave her the drink an his phone number. FML
TODAY, I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL AFTER MISSING THE FRST 2 WEEKS OF THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR. I GOT GRILLED IN MY FRST LESSON BY MY TEACHER FIR "GALLIVANTING AROUND ON HOLIDAY IN SOME SUNNY PLACE" WHEN I SHOULD'VE BEEN AT SCHOOL LERENING. MY DAD HAD DIED FROM LIVER CANCER. FML
yesterday I was told by 'Seventeen to add liquid highlighter to mah foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML
Today, We Had Our Annual Office Christmas Party. The Theme Of The Party Was "Ugliest Sweater". The Winner Was A Sweater That I Have An Exact Replica Of In Closet. It's Favorite 'special Occasion', 'family Portrait An 'holiday Sweater. FML
Today mah girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her wieght. I told her not to worry because it gives more cushion fir the pushin anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at mah dingleberries. FML
Yesterday, my 15 year old son told me he had his frst kiss . I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, an then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood an college life . Truth is, I made them all up . I didn't get kissed till I was 24, an laid till I was 28 . FML
Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises an told me that she was good to go an that I should be on mah way. FML
2day some girl puncd me in te face an left a uge purple bruise. Apparently er boyfriend as been ceating on looool er wit me because se always sees im walking me ome. Her boyfriend is my older broter wo didn't boter telling er wo I was because ( e wantd to see wat se would do. ) FML
Taday I lerened explosive diarrhea is real !! I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket !! 10 feet in.!! !! liquid poo started spewing down mah pants legs !! 150 feet to go !! I ran !! It ran !! They watched !! After 15 minutes of cleaning.!! !! I slunk out !! Now.!! !! I have to fine a new market.!! !! maybe a new town !! FML
yesterday I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML
Taday being a music student , a professional orchestra performd a symphony that I wrote and dedicatd to mah girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be playd. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML
Friday 27 March 2015