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janeencynthia's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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janeencynthia's favorite FMLs
Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML
by hadrienne's pall / 05/13/2016 at 3:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML
by the bleeder / 05/13/2016 at 1:05am / Miscellaneous
Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML
by I write sins not other people's essays / 05/11/2016 at 11:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML
by Jpev / 05/11/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation
Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML
by why / 05/02/2016 at 4:08pm / United States (Ohio) / Work
Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML
by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 1:13pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 11:36am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML
by ameremanapparently / 03/26/2016 at 8:27am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML
by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 1:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML
by considering murder / 03/25/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (California) / Money
Today, I discovered my cat is bathroom shy when I accidentally walked in on him relieving himself. He jumped about 3 feet in the air and bolted out, launching feces and pee all over the bathroom, hallway, and my shoes. FML
by poop / 03/24/2016 at 2:15pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML
by RIPLife / 03/24/2016 at 10:03am / Switzerland (Geneve) / Work
Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML
by Anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Nebraska) / Health