About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to nickname me Alanis instead.
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itsalanis's favorite FMLs
Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML
by unloved / 10/01/2009 at 10:25am / United States (Minnesota) / Animals
by P0wned / 09/29/2009 at 5:21pm / France (Bretagne) / Love
by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 10:24am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML
by auscop / 09/17/2009 at 6:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation
Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML
by BluesMan1990 / 09/16/2009 at 6:21am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML
by Missy / 09/09/2009 at 4:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML
by flexibleflatulance / 09/04/2009 at 11:07pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen nuts, and an hole in my butt where I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
by keeperstride / 09/03/2009 at 3:55pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML
by mariokarter / 08/28/2009 at 12:41am / United Kingdom (London) / Transportation
Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML
by NotThatKind / 08/24/2009 at 12:28am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by ShiriSarah / 08/20/2009 at 10:39am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML
by Dude / 08/19/2009 at 6:32am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/18/2009 at 1:37am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML
by notguilty / 08/15/2009 at 7:24pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML
by SomeDJ / 08/11/2009 at 11:34pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids