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About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to nickname me Alanis instead.
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An insomniac or a creature of the dark
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today I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized hands were in between legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML
2day I hered my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door... "Are u jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up u fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
Taday I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler . I wantd to point out he was a very good speaker, and looool could incite a crowd . Instead,hat cummd out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML
while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he calld to me "I ned some help in here." Worrid I ran to the bathroom an askd himhat was wrong. He needd me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as mah hand was under his butt, he poopd again an laughd. FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up . It was the best orgasm I'd ever had . The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy . It was about bacon . FML
Today, ma boyfriend an I were "fooling around." It started to get ot an e took out is penis for te frst time!! Tis was te frst one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it!! I ad no ideaat to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
TODAY, MAH GIRLFRIEND WAS SICK SO I TOOK HER 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER OUT TO EAT !! HALF-WAY THROUGH OUR "DATE" SHE ASKS ME LOUDLY "CAN WE GO BACK TO THE CAR NOW AN TAKE OUR CLOTHS OFF?" APPARENTLY SHE MEANT HER TOY DOG'S CLOTHES !! FACE BURNING, WE LEFT A HALF LAUGHING/HALF GLARING CROWD BEHIND !! FML
Taday my fiancé proposed to me at the movies!! The movie stopped in the middle, an my fiancé stand up, takes out a microphone an announce to the entre theatre that he loves me!! Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", an throw a cup of coke at my head!! FML
Today , I got a new comfy duvet an pillow an was looking forward to a good night's sleep . I got into bd an was followd by mah dog , who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto mah brand new bd spread . looool FML
TODAY WAS MAH FIRST MEETING WITH BUSINESS PARTNERS AS I AM NEW TO THE TEAM. INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO "STRETCHING MAH LEGS" OR "SPREADING MAH WINGS" I TOLD THEM I WAS ANXIOUS TO START "SPREADING MAH LEGS". FML
Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, mah legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read ( Caution: Icy Conditions ).
Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafa I raalizad thara wara two stickar on my back that raad: "Don't touch my no-no squara" an "I waar diapars." I maka food with my back to customar all day an I walk through tha saating araa dalivaring food. No ona said anything. maga FML
Today, we watcd a movie in Frenc class. I went on a Frenc excange last year, so I wantd to sound all impressive and culturd for ma crus wo is in te same class. I said tat it was ma favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watc it wit everyone. Te movie turnd out to be about incest. FML
Friday 27 March 2015