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About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to nickname me Alanis instead.
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Today... I recieved multiple pone calls asking ow muc my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never ad a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out te guy I prank pone called te oter day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist wit an add for a Siamese cat. FML
today I was in the car with 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to ( get it up! ) so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, ( You're too old fir me, but I'll get it up fir her! ) FML
Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced mah leg open. Why? I jumped off mah bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned looool to Miss Vrginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML
Today, I found out mah girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML
Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silencehen he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear."
today I was talking this pretty religious grl that I like . We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyoneho would it be . She said Jesus . Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML
Yesterday, I was in te line at Cipotle an noticd a very attractive lady in er mid 20's. I deliberately took te table next to er an er friend an append to overear wat tey were talking about. Tey were bot discussing ow muc diarrea tey were going to ave wen tey got ome. FML
Today , mah sister won a bet. She bet mah best friend a burrito that I wouldn't loose mah virginity within a year. I am twenty an have to drive mah friend to Del Taco so he can buy mah sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. FML
Today, Two Weeks After Reporting Our Car Was Broken Into, The Police Showed Up To Our Flat . They Cummed To Inform Us That Our Car Was Was Broken Into . We Explained That We Knew This An Reported It Weeks Ago . Apparently, It Was Broken Into Again, An Set On Fire This Time . FML
Today.. . I woke up feeling extremely nauseous . When I started to feel better.. . I felt like I needed to spit . I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush . The smell made me vomit all over my feet . FML
Friday 27 March 2015