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irishgirl5689

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irishgirl5689

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irishgirl5689's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

#21241836
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28619) - you deserved it (5102)

On 08/20/2014 at 5:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

#21239517
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38135) - you deserved it (12091)

On 08/17/2014 at 2:15am - kids - by you ripped them off ages ago (man) - United Kingdom (Derby)

Today, my friend started choking while at a Hard Rock Cafe. I jumped up and tried to give her the Heimlich maneuver, only for her to throw up all over the table and stagger out of the place. I stood there as the waiter asked if I wanted to split the bill. FML

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

#21237562
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33568) - you deserved it (4925)

On 08/14/2014 at 5:13pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

#21237053
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36589) - you deserved it (2552)

On 08/13/2014 at 11:02pm - kids - by Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

#21235845
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36003) - you deserved it (21860)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by not a dick-man (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

#21224521
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39975) - you deserved it (4388)

On 07/30/2014 at 4:21am - kids - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Bristol, City of)

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

#21222459
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45751) - you deserved it (3849)

On 07/27/2014 at 9:55pm - intimacy - by why - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

#21222062
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51691) - you deserved it (5970)

On 07/27/2014 at 1:12pm - love - by fingwhore (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I lost my wedding ring at work. It wouldn't be too hard to track down, except that I work at Heinz. If you find it in your mayonnaise, keep it. FML

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

#21216216
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33340) - you deserved it (20828)

On 07/21/2014 at 11:58am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FML

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

#21214798
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48128) - you deserved it (3771)

On 07/20/2014 at 1:23am - work - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

#21214404
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50320) - you deserved it (6777)

On 07/19/2014 at 6:38pm - misc - by Death By Parent (woman) - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

#21213104
200 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46169) - you deserved it (6219)

On 07/18/2014 at 4:21pm - love - by Lisa (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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