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2day It's Been Two Months Since I Got A Kitten. He Loves To Hide, An Then Surprise Me By Jumping Out Of His Hiding Place. It Was Quite A Surprise When He Launched Himself Out Of Mah Bag During Class. FML
Yesterday, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close shehispered to me ( Mmm, you've got a nice tushie. ) My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
Today , after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship , girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body withhipped cream. Except , we didn't have any in the fridge , so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of herhile fighting the urge to vomit. FML
2day on my shift as a nurse, I askd a pregnant woman wat she would name her child. She said she saw the name ( Chlamydia ) on a billboard and decidd to name her daughter that, saying it was ( beautiful. ) I informd her that it was an STD, and she replid, ( Oh, well no one knows that! ) FML
Today, I went on anoter date wit a guy I've ad a crus on 4 a long time . Afterwards, we went back to ma place 4 te first time and tings got eated . Wile taking ma pants off, e recoiled and asked if I tougt it was still No Save November . FML
Today, A Pregnant Woman Got On The Bus . There Were No Free Seats, So I Stood Up To Give Her Mine . An Obese Man Pushed Past Her, Waddled Over, And Oozed Into Mah Seat . I Said It Was 4 The Pregnant Lady . He Called Me A "sexist Bitch" And Claimed He Needed It More . Fat FML
Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML
Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family . She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decidd to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills . She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid . FML
Today , I was walking out of mah grlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I pickd it up , sniffd it and put it on mah face as a joke. She replid with , ( Those are mah mother's. ) FML
Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, an got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time thier around, my boyfriend always looks stoned an constipated, an his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML
TODAY, I FINALLY FELT READY TO HAVE SEX FIR THE FIRST TIME, WITH MAH BOYFRIEND OF NEARLY 8 MONTHS . WHEN I TOLD HIM, THING BECAME INTIMATE AND PANTS CUMMED OFF . HE THEN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "YEAH, I CAN'T DO THIS." THE REST OF THE NIGHT WAS SPENT IN AWKWARD SILENCE . FML
Friday 27 March 2015