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heyitsmeman's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 07/06/2013 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 07/03/2013 at 5:01pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML
by Anonymous / 06/08/2013 at 3:01pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids
Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML
by Anonymous / 05/22/2013 at 9:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML
by Anonymous / 05/22/2013 at 1:10pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML
by projectfain / 05/22/2013 at 8:28am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by stillhave2years / 05/22/2013 at 6:56am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
by halliemarie1818 / 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm / United States / Animals
by me / 03/21/2013 at 6:25am / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Miscellaneous
Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML
by Anonymous / 03/20/2013 at 3:45pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML
by grandson of a p.o.s. / 03/14/2013 at 6:04pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML
Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML
Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML
by Anonymous / 12/26/2012 at 1:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML
by really mature, GRAN / 12/25/2012 at 3:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of… Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as… Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at…