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Today, my 17-year-old son came home with a black eye saying he ran into a pole at school. I asked the principal if we could see the tapes. He actually did run straight into a pole. And not just once, twice. FML
Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML
Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML
Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML
Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML
Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML
Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML
Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML
Friday 18 April 2014