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hcollins1's favorite FMLs
by jseid2 / 01/15/2014 at 12:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML
by Anonymous / 12/19/2013 at 5:49pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health
Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML
by yulis / 11/30/2013 at 2:21pm / United States (Maryland) / Money
Today, I found out that my husband told his mom that she can move in with us once his time in the army is over. We are moving into my house, and he didn't think it was important to run it by me first. FML
by imchacon22 / 10/26/2013 at 6:42pm / United States (Kansas) / Love
Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML
by O-|---<=~ / 10/18/2013 at 7:01pm / United States (Washington) / Love
by SassyBasher / 10/17/2013 at 8:14pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by roundtherose / 10/12/2013 at 9:59pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous
Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML
by Lady Douche of Asscrackington / 10/10/2013 at 4:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids
Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML
by hubby / 10/08/2013 at 1:57pm / United States / Intimacy
by loserllamalick / 10/07/2013 at 10:32am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML
by bitch / 10/07/2013 at 3:37am / Australia / Work
Today, I met a really nice girl at a club. One thing led to another, and she told me to meet her out front in 5 minutes. I was so drunk that I stumbled into the restroom instead, then curled up on the floor crying in despair when I realized my mistake. FML
by vcarder / 10/04/2013 at 4:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by pancakelicious / 10/04/2013 at 7:16am / New Zealand / Intimacy
Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML
by Anonymous / 09/14/2013 at 4:09pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love
Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML
by Anonymous / 09/14/2013 at 3:32pm / Iceland (Gullbringusysla) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both… 2Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got… 3Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for…