About hazard_havoc17 : it's a bio what do you expect me to fuckin' put here?
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hazard_havoc17's favorite FMLs
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
by breathalizard / 05/02/2009 at 2:21am / United States (North Dakota) / Health
Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML
by Anonymous / 04/22/2009 at 4:15pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love
Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes she said with a sigh of relief "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML
by mildver / 04/20/2009 at 12:51am / Costa Rica (San Jose) / Love
Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML
by Anonymous / 04/15/2009 at 3:45pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML
by nessacadesa / 03/24/2009 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML
by ScoobieDoo / 03/20/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Washington) / Kids
by deez_nutz / 03/10/2009 at 8:46am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML
by nerd / 03/02/2009 at 10:20pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous
by Invisible / 02/19/2009 at 10:48am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML
by JLoistheBomb / 02/10/2009 at 7:01pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML
by Mith / 02/04/2009 at 5:56am / Poland (Wielkopolskie) / Animals
by bluntedone / 02/02/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Money
by buddy / 01/26/2009 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
- Today, returning home, I found my roommate trying one of my bras. When he saw my shocked face, the… Today, I’m a student in China, and I attended a welcoming party for the new students. It consisted… Today, I’m in Thailand and I met a monk. The conversation was so deep and interesting that, without…