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gummybears99's favorite FMLs
by LoadingMeows / 09/22/2016 at 9:17pm / United States / Work
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML
by ArsonistsLullaby / 09/21/2016 at 5:02pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, at my job of 2 months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for 2 months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML
Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML
by Alyssa / 09/21/2016 at 3:17am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
by ang3l4 / 09/21/2016 at 1:28am / United States (California) / Animals
by not eyelid / 09/20/2016 at 3:53pm / Spain (Catalonia) / Transportation
Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML
by JAMjessie / 09/20/2016 at 12:54pm / United States (Georgia) / Work
Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML
by dude i am so sorry / 09/19/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Love
Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML
by Anonymous / 09/19/2016 at 1:29pm / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/19/2016 at 10:03am / United States / Work
Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML
by drchinky888 / 09/18/2016 at 1:10pm / Spain (Catalonia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML
by Krystl / 09/18/2016 at 12:35pm / Australia / Work
Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML
by sweetdreams / 09/18/2016 at 2:39am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by mercumorr / 09/17/2016 at 8:27am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML
by littlekellilee / 09/16/2016 at 12:27am / Canada / Health