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gummybears99's favorite FMLs
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
by Anonymous / 06/09/2016 at 3:39pm / Germany (Bayern) / Animals
Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML
by windsoffate / 06/09/2016 at 12:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, my parents came back home from a one-week trip, during which I didn't let any friends over, so I could keep the house clean. Now my parents say they'll never leave me home alone again because the house is "too clean" and I must have thrown a party while they were gone. FML
by justinkoch / 06/09/2016 at 12:33pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML
by Belt issues / 06/09/2016 at 8:21am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
by Jo_kat / 06/08/2016 at 11:56pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML
by toilet on the clock / 06/08/2016 at 6:40am / China (Guangdong) / Work
by Anonymous / 06/07/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by PerfectBoyfriend / 06/07/2016 at 12:38pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Intimacy
by thedancingtit / 06/07/2016 at 1:11am / United States (Alaska) / Kids
Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML
by ginya / 06/06/2016 at 9:58pm / United States (Texas) / Animals
by anonymous / 06/06/2016 at 12:51pm / United States (Arizona) / Animals
Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML
by Ansharus / 06/06/2016 at 9:47am / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Miscellaneous
by Fido / 06/06/2016 at 7:58am / United States / Kids
by spadesmollusques / 06/06/2016 at 1:13am / France (Alsace) / Kids
by Anonymous / 06/06/2016 at 12:57am / United States (Texas) / Love