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gummybears99's favorite FMLs
by anonymous / 10/11/2016 at 1:23am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML
by chrisinator / 10/11/2016 at 12:21am / United States (New York) / Animals
Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML
by ripmylife / 10/10/2016 at 1:53pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love
Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML
by eyebags / 10/10/2016 at 9:04am / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML
by Well okay then / 10/09/2016 at 1:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by K-Rat / 10/09/2016 at 8:16am / United States / Animals
Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML
by amandanoelle / 10/09/2016 at 2:42am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
by Amie89 / 10/09/2016 at 12:37am / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML
by TomorrowMaybe / 10/08/2016 at 12:29pm / Denmark (Sjelland) / Health
by spider-sarah / 10/08/2016 at 5:35am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML
by Anonymous / 10/07/2016 at 4:22pm / Switzerland / Animals
Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML
by Anonymous / 10/07/2016 at 12:37pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health
Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML
by Nohouseforme / 10/07/2016 at 1:38am / United States (Arizona) / Money
Today, I told my boyfriend the exact moment I fell in love with him: when we made eye contact in a crowd on our fifth date. He asked if I wanted to know what he was thinking at that moment. I then found out it was, "I really hope she can't smell that fart." FML
by saashtow / 10/07/2016 at 1:00am / United States (Georgia) / Love
by Anonymous / 10/06/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids
- Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people.… Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started… Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away…