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gummybears99's favorite FMLs
Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
by leah_kascar / 08/21/2016 at 9:45pm / United States (Florida) / Work
by Daddy / 08/19/2016 at 10:55am / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML
by Innocent / 08/18/2016 at 7:03pm / New Zealand / Transportation
Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML
by Epithymia / 08/15/2016 at 11:09am / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health
by whoops / 08/15/2016 at 12:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Love
Today, I woke to the sound of my baby crying at 4 a.m. I also heard my partner snoring, knowing he was not beside me and the baby was not in her crib, I went into the nursery. There was my crying baby laying across my snoring partner's chest. Guess he fell asleep during feeding time. FML
by gamerlaura / 08/13/2016 at 11:33pm / United Kingdom (Gwynedd) / Miscellaneous
by b5b0n36 / 08/11/2016 at 12:47pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I had to abandon my normal duties and help out the electrician my boss called, all because my boss couldn't handle speaking to him since he was attractive. She's in her fifties. I'm in my twenties and I'm the more mature one. FML
by C8H18 / 08/10/2016 at 3:16pm / United States (California) / Work
by ScarletSpirit / 08/10/2016 at 6:10am / Intimacy
Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML
by Anonymous / 08/09/2016 at 4:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML
by Anonymous / 08/09/2016 at 11:43am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML
by Funyearahead / 08/08/2016 at 8:44am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
by Weightlosshereicome / 08/08/2016 at 6:06am / United States (New York) / Health