gruesomehorizon

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Offline (the 10/14/2014 at 7:44pm)

gruesomehorizon

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Monday 6 September 1993 (22 years old)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 168
  • Number of comments : 3
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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gruesomehorizon's favorite FMLs

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2014 at 7:42pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

by Rhine / 12/16/2012 at 6:51pm / Barbados (Saint Michael) / Love

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

by tempted to become single / 10/21/2012 at 12:00pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML

by SoSexy / 10/07/2012 at 6:25am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

by kalikanna / 07/07/2012 at 2:10am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 10:06pm / France / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

by Badchristian / 04/05/2012 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

by lolwut / 01/15/2012 at 1:17pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

by jbthedude / 08/05/2011 at 5:57am / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Health

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 6:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

by Devon / 05/19/2011 at 9:38pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

by MathTeacher / 05/02/2011 at 10:30am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 2:09am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

by brandiboobarry / 11/29/2010 at 1:01am / Miscellaneous