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You wanted you know what the top of the flops of all time was, and now you know.
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
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Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML
Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML
Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML
Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML
Today, my wrists were hurting really bad while working the production line. I was told to let my supervisor know so he can help accommodate it. Both supervisors responded by ending my employment there to make sure I don't suffer long term damage. FML
Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML
Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML
Today, I had to once again lie to a customer about why I was the only one manning the shop, saying that they must have run out for lunch - my coworkers were too busy getting stoned in their cars to do their job. FML
Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML
Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML
Thursday 23 April 2015