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greeneyesFTWlol's favorite FMLs
Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 6:00pm / United States / Transportation
Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 3:32pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 3:10am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
by ididntevendrinkthatnight / 06/07/2013 at 1:14am / United States (New York) / Money
by DolphinGirl369 / 06/07/2013 at 12:33am / United States (Iowa) / Animals
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML
by dollabill009 / 06/06/2013 at 4:49am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my fiancée told me that she wants us to have an open marriage. She reasons that since she doesn't equate sex with love, there's no logical reason for me to be against her having sex with other people. FML
by ApparentlyNotEno / 06/05/2013 at 4:40pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love
Today, after years of training and competing, I realized that the universe does not want me to play the piano. Not only do I have hands that can fit in toddler-sized gloves, my carpal tunnel is already to the point where I have to wear a brace at night, at the ripe old age of 14. FML
by prdp / 06/05/2013 at 12:33pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML
by irishbubble / 06/04/2013 at 8:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health
Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML
by Me / 06/03/2013 at 1:32am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML
by WtfDidIPayYouForThen / 06/02/2013 at 6:53am / United States (Florida) / Health
by Abrams52 / 05/28/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML
by paper towel virgin / 05/23/2013 at 8:24pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML
by look at the fucking universe, lady / 05/18/2013 at 2:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Geek
- Today, I was cooking dinner when I set off the fire alarm in my flat building. The neighbour from… Today, my live in boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for the last three days because… Today, I met the man of my dreams. Hot, funny, smart, sensitive, he guesses at what I need before I…