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Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24988) - you totally deserved it (1322)
On 10/16/2009 at 4:20am - misc - by xXx (man) - United States (California)
Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML
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On 09/02/2009 at 6:17pm - misc - by Math_Rocker (man) - United States (Indiana)
Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML
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On 08/25/2009 at 2:47am - misc - by MrMagicMan000 (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML
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On 08/20/2009 at 1:30am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)
Today, I farted while I was in line at the bank. I tried to pretend it wasn't me by looking at the man behind me and turning back with a disgusted look on my face. I thought I had gotten away with it when the man yells "It wasn't me, this bitch did it". FML
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On 08/19/2009 at 7:39am - misc - by moutz (woman) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML
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On 08/17/2009 at 9:50am - misc - by malebonding (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I took a shower at my friend's house. The shampoo smelled really good that I asked my friend where she bought it so I could get one also. Her reply? Petco. I just washed my hair with dog shampoo. FML
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On 08/17/2009 at 3:37am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 9:00pm - misc - by Ricky (man) - United States (Arkansas)
Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 5:05pm - kids - by Overflow (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 2:51pm - intimacy - by lolreturn (woman) - United States (Mississippi)
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 1:14pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Kansas)
Today, I was driving on the freeway and there was a dead animal (I think a cat) in the road. The car in front of me decided to merge over. It kicked up part of the dead animal and sent it flying through my open window. I think I got hit in the face with a piece of foot. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 12:32pm - misc - by travinator121611 (man) - United States (California)
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 9:58am - intimacy - by bunny (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML
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On 08/16/2009 at 3:05am - health - by irony (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML
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On 08/15/2009 at 12:33am - misc - by jellybean_94 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
