About flockz : i'm a dick. are you offended by me? aw sorry ouch FYL for sure. dump me then sue me. you deserve better. shit happens.
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This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
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You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
50 favourites
Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!
Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML
I agree, your life sucks (56426) - you deserved it (7994)
On 05/04/2013 at 8:51am - kids - by wtfmama (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45328) - you deserved it (5502)
On 04/30/2013 at 2:24pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)
Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19218) - you deserved it (1731)
On 12/01/2012 at 12:01pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22363) - you deserved it (7527)
On 10/23/2012 at 3:12pm - intimacy - by Andrew - United States
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18835) - you deserved it (4574)
On 10/17/2012 at 12:45am - misc - by Holy Testacles (man) - United States
Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21186) - you deserved it (11987)
On 10/16/2012 at 8:36am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14712) - you deserved it (2384)
On 06/08/2012 at 3:45pm - misc - by hackshack (man) - Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul)
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33472) - you deserved it (2675)
On 04/21/2012 at 1:38pm - intimacy - by Hakimstah (man) - Lebanon
Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML
I agree, your life sucks (28294) - you deserved it (1879)
On 04/10/2012 at 1:47pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States
Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17287) - you deserved it (4069)
On 04/06/2012 at 1:11pm - misc - by nobrows (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38092) - you deserved it (3219)
On 03/23/2012 at 1:55am - intimacy - by mrricecakes (man) - United States (Arizona)
Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23910) - you deserved it (3301)
On 03/04/2012 at 5:20pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Quebec)
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13947) - you deserved it (20565)
On 02/26/2012 at 10:31am - work - by Miss_Kristen - United States (Missouri)
Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29686) - you deserved it (4054)
On 02/21/2012 at 2:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18995) - you deserved it (2406)
On 02/17/2012 at 7:13pm - intimacy - by -_- (woman) - United Kingdom (Manchester)
Wednesday 15 May 2013
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