About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML
by meaganlea / 02/23/2010 at 12:17am / Canada (Quebec) / Work
Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML
by AwwChute / 02/20/2010 at 8:53pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML
by moobysrocks / 02/20/2010 at 1:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML
by buttcrack / 02/18/2010 at 12:31am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation
by SickSmick / 02/09/2010 at 7:22am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Health
Today, I grounded my son for being a smart ass. Now he can't go to the cub scout campout this weekend. He's been howling, sobbing, stomping, slamming and screaming for about three continuous hours. I am not sure who this punishment has inflicted more suffering on: my son or me. FML
by Mom / 02/05/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids
by saintmichi / 01/31/2010 at 7:21pm / Poland (Malopolskie) / Transportation
Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML
by Anonymous / 01/30/2010 at 8:16am / United States (California) / Money
by Anonymous / 01/29/2010 at 2:25am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was working at IHOP serving a table full of drunk idiots. After an hour of taking care of them I went to clean up their mess to find the tip they had left me. On a napkin a girl had wrote "Here's your tip for the night: Don't play leap frog with unicorns." FML
by Juggalette / 01/28/2010 at 7:14pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML
by iluvjenknee / 01/22/2010 at 1:26am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML
by hardtotell / 01/21/2010 at 7:45pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous
by kerry / 01/20/2010 at 12:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous