About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
by aaalias34 / 02/26/2010 at 6:13am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML
by Anonymous / 02/24/2010 at 7:29pm / United States (South Dakota) / Love
by Anonymous / 02/23/2010 at 10:45am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
by nutcracker / 02/23/2010 at 4:28am / Slovenia (Bohinj) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML
by meaganlea / 02/23/2010 at 12:17am / Canada (Quebec) / Work
Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML
by AwwChute / 02/20/2010 at 8:53pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML
by moobysrocks / 02/20/2010 at 1:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML
by buttcrack / 02/18/2010 at 12:31am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation
by SickSmick / 02/09/2010 at 7:22am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Health
Today, I grounded my son for being a smart ass. Now he can't go to the cub scout campout this weekend. He's been howling, sobbing, stomping, slamming and screaming for about three continuous hours. I am not sure who this punishment has inflicted more suffering on: my son or me. FML
by Mom / 02/05/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids
by saintmichi / 01/31/2010 at 7:21pm / Poland (Malopolskie) / Transportation
Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML
by Anonymous / 01/30/2010 at 8:16am / United States (California) / Money
by Anonymous / 01/29/2010 at 2:25am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's… 2Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 3Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say…
- Today, I went over to my crush's house for the first time. Everything was going great until his dog… Today, a sweet old man came knocking. He asked about my elderly neighbor who he has been trying to… Today, I went to a grad school fair. Tuition costs more than I make in a year. I'm thirty. I think…