About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML
by L.Lime05 / 08/08/2010 at 7:27pm / United States (California) / Animals
by Anonymous / 08/04/2010 at 6:24am / United Kingdom (London) / Animals
Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML
by kfoehslfns / 08/01/2010 at 4:45am / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML
by mr / 07/27/2010 at 2:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids
Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
by Anonymous / 07/20/2010 at 12:53am / United States / Intimacy
Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML
by Flyboy / 07/18/2010 at 1:02am / United States (California) / Work
by Betchsadface / 07/13/2010 at 12:34am / United States / Animals
by Anonymous / 05/19/2010 at 1:03pm / United Kingdom (Norfolk) / Miscellaneous
by liu_kang / 03/16/2010 at 2:55pm / United States / Health
by hiii. / 03/15/2010 at 10:27pm / United States (Indiana) / Geek
by captainkevineff / 03/11/2010 at 9:44am / United States / Health
by raidered / 03/08/2010 at 1:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I reached a new low and embarrased my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML
by Anonymous / 02/28/2010 at 2:17pm / United States (New York) / Love
- 1Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 2Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's… 3Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't…
- Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she… Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis… Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a…