About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 11/05/2010 at 5:09pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Animals
by Anonymous / 11/04/2010 at 7:54pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML
by Whitley / 11/04/2010 at 11:17am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/29/2010 at 8:10pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health
Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML
by mzgabbster / 10/24/2010 at 8:21am / United States (Utah) / Animals
Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML
by soapypete / 10/22/2010 at 9:26am / United States (New Jersey) / Work
by Anonymous / 10/21/2010 at 9:03pm / Miscellaneous
Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML
by fmmlll / 10/18/2010 at 4:56am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 7:44pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/14/2010 at 8:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML
by Anonymous / 10/12/2010 at 1:46am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by dontask / 09/30/2010 at 9:55pm / United States (Arizona) / Love
by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 3:03am / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML
by Anonymous / 09/23/2010 at 12:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML
by embaressed / 09/19/2010 at 10:13pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked… Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the… Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the…