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fatbabypig's favorite FMLs
by poro123 / 11/05/2012 at 12:39am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML
by Holy Testacles / 10/17/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Miscellaneous
by L / 10/16/2012 at 6:59pm / Norway (Sor-Trondelag) / Intimacy
by cedechan / 09/29/2012 at 12:08am / United States (Arizona) / Health
Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML
by burn in hell / 09/25/2012 at 5:28pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
by Anonymous / 09/12/2012 at 3:00am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by SquishFish / 08/17/2012 at 12:08am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
by dogmom / 07/16/2012 at 4:51pm / United States (Hawaii) / Love
Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML
by Concert Flatulent / 07/10/2012 at 12:44am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML
by huh / 06/02/2012 at 4:31pm / United Kingdom (South Ayrshire) / Intimacy
Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML
by taob / 05/20/2012 at 1:11pm / China (Guangxi) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML
by lafinesse / 05/14/2012 at 6:23pm / Miscellaneous
Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML
by jonasister / 04/15/2012 at 2:43pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Intimacy
Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML
by deadgrass / 03/28/2012 at 8:44pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
by annoym / 02/21/2012 at 6:49am / United States (Florida) / Work
- Today, during a family dinner with my grandparents, I showed them some pictures. One was a picture… Today, I threw up when I got home because I'd been drinking with friends. My parents asked what was… Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my…