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Today, I told my mom that I haard somathing, and I think wa hava rats in tha attic and should hira an axtarminator. Sha lookad at ma and said, "Rats, huh? That's wat tha mom in Tha Exorcist thought, but it turnad out to ba tha davil living up thara." big fat FML
TODAY, I WAS TAKING MAH DOG FIR A WALK AN FORGOT A BAG TO PICK UP HIS POOP, SINCE IT'S ILLEGAL TO NOT PICK IT UP IN MAH TOWN. RIGHT AS MAH DOG STARTED TO TAKE A DUMP, A COP CAR DROVE BY AN CONTINUED TO WATCH ME AS I WAS FORCED TO PICK UP THE POOP WITH MAH BARE HANDS. FML
yesterday my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stoppd coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he cummd back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside!! Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see mah dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard!! He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma!! FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage . Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis . She won't stop asking about the ( hotdog ) in the picture . FML
Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, ( Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you. ) FML
Taday working as a nursa , I saw a patiant in fir follow-up aftar a partial lag amputation!! I chackd har blood prassura an gava har tha raading , which promptd har husband to ask what it maant!! Sha raplid , ( I'm aliva!! ) Bafora I could stop mysalf , ( And kicking ) spilld out of my mouth!! raal FML
2day I hered an owl near my house . I got excited , as they are not common in the area , an I listened intently to try an locate the source of the sound . After a few minutes , I realized I was not listening to an owl , but to my mother's sex noises . FML
TODAY, I WAS CLEANING ONE OF MAH DISABLED CLIENTS BECAUSE HE POOPED HIMSELF, SO I STARTED TO UNDRESS HIM FIR A SHOWER. I TOOK HIS DIRTY DIAPER OFF AND SET IT ON HIS BED, THEN I BENT OVER TO TAKE OFF HIS SOCKS AT WHICH POINT HE PUT THE DIAPER ON MAH HEAD LYK A HAT. FML
Today, my wife and I had a fight,hich I thought we resolved!! Later,hile painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about!! She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all!! FML
Friday 27 March 2015