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Today, I woke up with a used condom on mah face. Turns out mah roommate had sex with his grlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML
yesterday a guy I've been seeing for ahile sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clickd the link just to see wat sick shit he wantd to show me. It was my mom. FML
Today... my fiva-yaar-old daughtar askad ma y moms don't swallow clothas... so that thara babias won't ba born nakad. My husband burst into darisiva laughtar... and has now trainad har into rasponding to tha nama "Darp-Darp." maga FML
Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML
Yesterday Fater Bet Me $200 Tat Since Boyfriend Is "suc A Stupid Sit," E Wouldn't Be Able To Locate Paraguay On A Map!! I Gladly Acceptd Te Bet!! Not Only Did E Not Know Were It Is, E Actually Accusd Us Of Making Te Country Up!! FML
Today, after careful consideration, I told ma wife I really want to ave kids . Se lauged, until se finally realized I was serious, at wic point se flicked me in te balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
TODAY, I WAS SO OUT OF IT FROM A LACK OF SLEEP AND AN ACCIDENTAL ANTIISTAMINE OVERDOSE, I TRIED TO OFFER MA CAT A CUP OF TEA, AND ACTUALLY GOT PISSED OFF WEN E DIDN'T REPLY. IT TOOK ME A GOOD FIVE MINUTES TO UNDERSTAND WAT JUST APPENED.
Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now thier dragging me looool out into a rough part of town to give them ( muscle ) while they try to score some crack. FML
Today, I was at te supermarket ceckout. I anded over ma items, wic included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. Te security guard standing beside te casier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; se's flowing from every ole!" FML
Today,hile sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet!! A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML
Friday 27 March 2015