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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Wednesday 29 September 1993 (23 years old)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 2366
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About elitemittens : UH.

elitemittens's FML badges

50 favourites

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elitemittens's favorite FMLs

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2012 at 10:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

by FutureMarine3658 / 08/08/2012 at 10:00am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was bagging my groceries when I accidentally smacked myself in the face with a box of popsicles, giving myself a nose bleed. I found out that the cashier hates the sight of blood when she passed out behind the register. They called security on me. FML

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2012 at 4:13pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

by milf / 08/05/2012 at 9:10pm / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

by m / 08/04/2012 at 8:44pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

by llaurenmariee / 08/04/2012 at 7:35am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

by squeltorey / 08/03/2012 at 3:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

by danonno / 08/02/2012 at 5:08pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

by purplexangel / 08/02/2012 at 1:32pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

by Emily / 08/01/2012 at 1:44am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML

by mac_miller55 / 07/31/2012 at 12:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

by fmlgrl / 07/30/2012 at 2:59am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

by guy / 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

by daydreamer / 07/29/2012 at 1:12am / United States (Connecticut) / Health