I'm a recent college grad. I majored in Theater Studies to become a playwright/screenwriter...so therefore I'm also unemployed.
Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML
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On 10/17/2009 at 5:08pm - kids - by hamster cookie - France (Nord-Pas-de-Calais)
Today, a car floated slowly into my lane from the left with no signal. She gazed at the right turn like it was going to kiss her. "What the FUCK, lady?" I shouted, slamming on my brakes. Two seconds later I hear a tiny voice in my back seat, "What fut, YADY?!" My 22 month old son's first full sentence. FML
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On 06/22/2009 at 1:30am - kids - by ObeyTheFist (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you F*ing cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
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On 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm - intimacy - by badmom (woman) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML
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On 06/06/2009 at 10:03am - misc - by imfromtexas02 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother in law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother in law to be." And then I saw her name. FML
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On 06/04/2009 at 7:11am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML
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On 05/30/2009 at 12:24am - kids - by sdasdflkjas (woman) - United States
Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML
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On 05/24/2009 at 7:52pm - misc - by Tyler_Padgett (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 3:50pm - intimacy - by herve (man) - Lebanon (Beyrouth)
Today, I had to break the news to my husband that I had miscarried our first child. To which he replied, "Thank God" and told me he wanted a divorce. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 12:52pm - misc - by Mags - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML
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On 05/21/2009 at 4:49pm - misc - by theman (man) - France (Ile-de-France)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
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On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
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On 05/20/2009 at 4:49pm - misc - by lm (man) - Ireland (Dublin)
Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
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On 05/17/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by Ohshit (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML
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On 05/13/2009 at 1:46pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Yukon Territory)
Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML
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On 05/12/2009 at 10:23am - misc - by Permafucked (woman) - United States (South Dakota)
