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deliki's favorite FMLs
by Amsterdamned13 / 09/13/2013 at 3:02pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love
Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML
by idislikeblanks / 01/30/2013 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
by sucks at sucking / 12/14/2012 at 7:27pm / United Kingdom (Bournemouth) / Intimacy
Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML
by Anonymous / 10/16/2012 at 12:38pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by noname1025 / 09/04/2012 at 12:44pm / United States (Colorado) / Love
Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML
by Anonymous / 07/13/2012 at 7:14pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML
by cj1012 / 07/07/2012 at 11:16pm / United States / Work
Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML
by Cam / 05/21/2012 at 6:38pm / United Kingdom (Devon) / Miscellaneous
by TLJ321 / 05/18/2012 at 3:41am / Health
Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML
by Anonymous / 05/14/2012 at 10:22am / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Transportation
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML
by S12Sophia / 05/02/2012 at 6:06pm / France / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/28/2012 at 6:44pm / United States / Health
by caaarl / 04/19/2012 at 3:46pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Love
by ajnmegs / 04/19/2012 at 12:08pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/16/2012 at 8:38am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of… Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She… Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety.…