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Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML
Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML
Today, out of curiosity, I measured the length of my penis whilst in the shower. A couple of hours later, my father called me downstairs to show me something. Turns out I left the ruler on top of the shower tree. He won't stop laughing. FML
Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML
Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML
Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML
Today, I found my husband's journal, and along with it the real reason he took so long to show up to our wedding rehearsals last year. According to the journal, it was because he was too busy wooing a married mother of five and sticking his "slut-banger all up in that fat booty." FML
Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML
Friday 24 July 2015